Oh wait; that was YESTERDAY.
What I am here to do, though, is tell you about movies for which it is best if you never hear about them because of the endless mental anguish it will put you through when you do find them. I'm saving your life. You owe me. After all, I'm the one going through the agony, here....
Okay, okay okay okay. Enough small talk. Let's get to the matter at hand and discuss the painful celluloid that brought you here.
Which is:
3) Nowhere To Hide (1987)
director: Mario Azzopardi / writers George Goldsmith, Alex Rebar / actors: Amy Madigan, Daniel Hugh-Kelly, John Colicos
Did you ever have the feeling that something just absolutely reeked of Canada? Not that Canada reeks, but that is this movie. From the first time I saw the ads for this, saw the trailer, looked at the dusty VHS cover, the only thing I could think of was "yeah, this is Canadian". And I was right: Montreal and Rawdon, baby.Apparently someone thought that the idea of hunting down the Marine-trained wife of a murdered Marine for some close-to-the-vest military secret would make for a smashing film. Know who that was? Alex (The Incredible Melting Man) Rebar - you last saw him dissolving into a puddle of special effects back in 1977 and time was not kind; all he could apparently do after dripping into nothing was use the two good fingers he was left with and start writing movies. THIS was one of them.
Not surprisingly, this flick melted down about as quickly as Rebar did, becoming yet another casualty in a decade that was all about filling up the video store shelves. Not one memorable moment, performance, scene or anything happens here, even with the involvement of Michael Ironside - another by-product of a Canadian film. It seems whenever you made a film in Canada between 1979 and 1989, Ironside had to be part of it. I think it was a sub-clause of The Cunningham/Mancuso Directive.
Amy Madigan is a good actress. Hugh-Kelly was great in "Hardcastle and McCormick". Colicos was...Baltar. That's all I (or anyone else) could think of when he was on-screen. So did you. Admit it; if you were alive at all during the late-70s and watched TV, John Colicos was Baltar and that's that. Yeah, right: try and deny it. Other than that, the only thing anyone does in Nowhere To Hide is remind you that this is NOT a Jean-Claude Van Damme flick.
It earned just under $850,000 bucks in its run; American or Canadian bucks, I dunno. Suffice it to say, it was not a raging success. Just a ragingly forgettable flick. Plenty of them to go around, huh?
Speaking of which that's enought bad memories for now. More saved up for next time, don't worry there....
Dope out.
- TGWD