And while icanhascheezburger.com makes an excellent point in my little lead-in example, that's only part of the problem when it comes to artistic interpretation, kids.You see, movies have their own rules, as does the world of movie advertising where they pay beaucoup suits beaucoup money to make beaucoup examples as to why you should shell out your scratch to see the studios' product. It's all about how it looks.
And I can rightly say that in this month's examples, there are more than enough (five in this case, again) of beaucoup mistakes.
(This time out, none of the examples came from Japan, so we'll save that country for Foreign Poster Atrocities, maybe...)
EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES
Okay, other than making two of the most expressive actors of our time just stand in place and look like they want to kill their agents (and who can blame them?), whose bright idea was it to make them Siamese twins? Look; it's either that they're joined at the shoulder, or the poster promises a wacky comedy where they are both stuck inside the same jacket suit and have to get out before Brendan's big wedding day but snooty suit salesman Harrison refuses to get out of the jacket until he gets the FULL deposit for the suit! Hilarity! It even looks like Harrison's thinking, "well, this is ANOTHER fine mess you've gotten me into!"...HA!
KNIGHT AND DAY
Okay, I never saw the movie (did ANYONE?), and I never saw this poster, either. Not that it would have influenced my decision, but what kind of a color scheme do you call this? Halloween Art Deco Pollack? So, two-fisted shooter Cruise actually needs help from Cameron to shoot one of his guns? What, one of them too heavy for you, pal? Great action hero who needs help shooting someone; is he narcoleptic, too? And it seems poor Cameron is suffering from a bad Photoshop day, since her head looks like it's just stuck through one of those cardboard standy-things you get your picture taken in at Wally World for $5 a pop. Hope she got her money back; she was gypped.
Hey kids, ever want to see your own version of Damnation Alley? Well, watch your donkey, cause here it comes! Whee-hoo! Actually, this looks to be one of those Smokey And The Bandit ripoffs with a little teenage wish fulfillment thrown in...as long as one of those wishes was to ride around in the Pope's golf cart and get beaten up by The Manson Family. And apparently getting "That Free-Wheelin' Feelin'" involves killing cops, blowing up jails with lasers and befriending pantsless women. Personally speaking, I'm down with one of those three. They can keep their van.
THE TOOTH FAIRY
Let's get out the Disney Movie checklist here.... White background: check. Stupid tagline: check. Don't mention the name of the movie anywhere: check. Recognizable bulky star in a hilarious out-of-proportion role: check...heyyy, waitaminit! That's not the Tooth Fairy! I'm sorry, this same studio had Art LeFleur as the same character in their little Santa Clause movies looong before this thing came along! Stick with the questionable facts from your own convoluted movies, or else I'll thaw out Walt and tell on you!
TOP DOG
Not only did they have to Photoshop Chuck Norris into this poster, they couldn't even get the DOG in for a picture at the same time. They even slapped a picture of a cop hat on him then cut off his bottom half to slap his cute widdle head and disembodied paws over top of the title! And is it me or does Chuck look like a bearded Stone Phillips leaning into the poster, looking for predators? Good God, Internet; see what watching too many memes will do to you??
Well, that's as many as I can stand for this time out. Hold down the fort till next time, sadists.
Dope out.
- TGWD
